Black and white and gray…

I don’t mind when people find faults with me. No. Because when I look at myself in the mirror I can easily pinpoint my lackings.. the tangible as well as the intangible ones. But just as I’m more than aware of my vices, I am also quite well acquainted with my virtues, believe you me.

You can call me lazy. You can call me tactless. You can call me “not as social as the next person”. You can call me selfish. You can even say that I don’t posses a lot of common sense and that I can be very stupid at times. Because I know all of that to be very, very true.

But when someone calls me a liar – that in my book is going a bit too far. Everyone can be accused of “white lies”. Say when you tell someone that “Oh thank you so much for inviting us but we can’t make it to your get-together I’m afraid, as we have a previous engagement” when actually you don’t. You just wanted to make a very polite excuse to get out something without offending the other party. Everyone.. and I really DO believe.. everyone does their fair share of white lying.

You see I don’t have problems with making stupid mistakes. I AM human after all and I am NO model of perfection. Yes.. I will definitely be hurt if and when someone proclaims “God..you’re SOOO stupid! How could you DO such a thing???”. I’ll feel as if I’ve seriously let someone down. But I’ll be repentant and I’ll try to learn from that mistake and I’ll try to do better next time. Because being stupid makes me just that.. stupid. It doesn’t make me a mean person. But see.. lying, that too intentionally lying to hurt someone or even to put someone down .. that makes me out to be someone who’s extremely malicious and mean. It makes me out to be someone who has gone out of her way to trample with another person’s feelings and emotions.

Those who have known me for the past 29 years of my life can accuse me of being a LOT of things.. but they have never.. ever..  labeled me with the description above.

Maybe I should be more understanding and forgiving because the accuser in question has known me like what? Less than a year? That too, in sporadic time periods? And that it was difficult for that person to judge a situation without  witnessing it for real? But it still hurts even when I try to think it from the other person’s end. Especially since I had really looked up to that person. As someone who sees the bigger picture. Someone who at least asks for the other side of the story before reaching any conclusions. Someone who doesn’t see the world as purely black and white. Someone who knows that gray areas surely exists in this everyday struggle that we call “life”.

Well… I guess I was proven wrong. And maybe I am better off knowing the hard facts.

That perhaps who I had thought to be someone really close never did reciprocate the same feelings towards me, so I shouldn’t have expected so much of that person in the first place.

And that maybe, it’s safer to be open and free.. to be truly “you”.. with only a few people in your life. We should be so lucky to have at least one person who totally gets you.

And that perhaps “gray” is a colour that maybe only some of us can see at times.

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The Year That Was…

I’ve been cut off from the net these past few weeks as I’ve been staying at my parents (till my bro, Sakib…sis-in-law, Tanu…and nephew, Areeb…head back to the States) and there’s no net here for my personal use…lol… The only other time I get to check mail is at work but you can only do so much while at office…

Anyways… the past year has had its share of good and bad and great and horrible things…but then again this so-called ‘balance’ has always been the Almighty’s way of keeping our head and feet firmly on the ground…

So the things that stand out most in my memory right now…let’s see…

I got hitched…to this wonderful guy called…Saif…who is someone who goes beyond his means and nature to see/keep me happy :)…No I’m not bragging or saying he’s perfect…no one is… but I love him with all his share of virtues and vices…and he reciprocates that 360 degrees… 🙂

We formed a band called GrooveTrap and after loads of toil and trouble released our debut album…but I wouldn’t change the ‘toil and trouble’ part for anything… met so many wonderful people on the way that it more than makes up for it all…

My nephew…Areeb (picture below)…was born on April 27…and I finally got to see him and spend time with him for the six months that bhaia and Tanu was in Dhaka for bhaia’s PhD research work. The first time I was alone with him in a room (I was putting him to sleep) I couldn’t help but start crying…I couldn’t control it…and it went on to show me an inkling of how much love parents feel for their children…I’m just his aunt. It must be quite frightening…

Saif and I also lodged our Permanent Residency application for Australia for the state of Melbourne. I’m excited and apprehensive all at the same time regarding what the future will hold for us there…if we at all win the PR in the first place. But there are friends and family there… so even if we fall at times I know they’ll be there to lend a hand to help us up…

I had one of the most wonderful birthdays in 2008…I knew that Saif would surely be planning something with our closest friends…and on the eve before my birthday, after playing at a gig, we’d all gone to Pizza Hut to have dinner…where they had the waiters unexpectedly do their regular ‘special birthday song & dance’ while I had to sit high up on the chair (thankfully I got away from standing on top of the chair by giving the lame excuse that my birthday was actually 4 more hours away :P)…and I thought that was it…but boy..was I wrong. I had no clue of what was coming and I’m going to dedicate a whole new post for this story…it deserves one…:)

Anyways…let me not elaborate on the bad or horrible episodes. I was never good at dwelling on such things as it always ends up making me depressed for days at a stretch…and I’m sure none of you need to know either. It’ll just spoil the whole ‘feel-good’ factor.

It’s now a whole new year ahead of me…us…In just three more days Areeb, bhaia and Tanu will be leaving for Wyoming…and I know I’ll bawl like a baby…but like Saif said…I should be thankful that Areeb is so young….he will soon forget and not go through the pain of pining for us…I wouldn’t wish it on the poor little tyke…

So here’s looking to the year ahead…and as is my way…I’ll be simply going with the flow…’planning’ for things never did work for me…it seems the Almighty always has something different in mind…lol…and once a particular moment in time has eclipsed I realize his idea of what’s best for me always outshines whatever I could’ve concocted up for myself…

Happy New Year everyone!