Black and white and gray…

I don’t mind when people find faults with me. No. Because when I look at myself in the mirror I can easily pinpoint my lackings.. the tangible as well as the intangible ones. But just as I’m more than aware of my vices, I am also quite well acquainted with my virtues, believe you me.

You can call me lazy. You can call me tactless. You can call me “not as social as the next person”. You can call me selfish. You can even say that I don’t posses a lot of common sense and that I can be very stupid at times. Because I know all of that to be very, very true.

But when someone calls me a liar – that in my book is going a bit too far. Everyone can be accused of “white lies”. Say when you tell someone that “Oh thank you so much for inviting us but we can’t make it to your get-together I’m afraid, as we have a previous engagement” when actually you don’t. You just wanted to make a very polite excuse to get out something without offending the other party. Everyone.. and I really DO believe.. everyone does their fair share of white lying.

You see I don’t have problems with making stupid mistakes. I AM human after all and I am NO model of perfection. Yes.. I will definitely be hurt if and when someone proclaims “God..you’re SOOO stupid! How could you DO such a thing???”. I’ll feel as if I’ve seriously let someone down. But I’ll be repentant and I’ll try to learn from that mistake and I’ll try to do better next time. Because being stupid makes me just that.. stupid. It doesn’t make me a mean person. But see.. lying, that too intentionally lying to hurt someone or even to put someone down .. that makes me out to be someone who’s extremely malicious and mean. It makes me out to be someone who has gone out of her way to trample with another person’s feelings and emotions.

Those who have known me for the past 29 years of my life can accuse me of being a LOT of things.. but they have never.. ever..  labeled me with the description above.

Maybe I should be more understanding and forgiving because the accuser in question has known me like what? Less than a year? That too, in sporadic time periods? And that it was difficult for that person to judge a situation without  witnessing it for real? But it still hurts even when I try to think it from the other person’s end. Especially since I had really looked up to that person. As someone who sees the bigger picture. Someone who at least asks for the other side of the story before reaching any conclusions. Someone who doesn’t see the world as purely black and white. Someone who knows that gray areas surely exists in this everyday struggle that we call “life”.

Well… I guess I was proven wrong. And maybe I am better off knowing the hard facts.

That perhaps who I had thought to be someone really close never did reciprocate the same feelings towards me, so I shouldn’t have expected so much of that person in the first place.

And that maybe, it’s safer to be open and free.. to be truly “you”.. with only a few people in your life. We should be so lucky to have at least one person who totally gets you.

And that perhaps “gray” is a colour that maybe only some of us can see at times.